I always thought this game was a weird tie-in to a TNT action drama that would be extremely under budgeted, janky as hell, and not really necessary. I wasn’t wrong, but I must say… it’s not that bad. My curiosity was piqued when scrolling through a list of N64 games, I saw this one listed under the fighting game genre. Fighting game? I didn’t know this was a fighting game. I had imagined an action-adventure Ocarina of Time wannabe where a polygonal Lucy Lawless runs around a magic forest stabbing rabid goblins with her giant sword and using their souls to power her thirst for banshee-style murder.

I never watched the show.

SO, YOU PLAYED IT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BAD?

Not exactly, but sort of. I played it because I made a New Year’s Resolution to play and beat a few fighting games in 2018. I didn’t qualify it enough by saying “good” or “well received” fighting games - I was smart enough to just say fighting games. This lets me play crappy and easy ones as well. Go me.

YOU COULD HAVE PLAYED A NUMBER OF OTHER FIG-

I KNOW THAT. I know. But, I was curious about this one and if I beat it in the process of seeing how awful it was, so be it.

At least it wasn’t this room temperature bowl of ass.

OKAY. WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

Not bad. Well, not terrible. It’s a weapon-based fighter which makes sense as everyone knows, even those who never watched the show, Xena has a giant sword. The C-buttons do different moves like high kick, low kick, melee, etc. I had fun beating up characters I had no idea existed in the Xena universe but I’m not sure I did anything more than mash the buttons. None of the characters besides Xena seemed interesting and I don’t know why anyone would pick a character other than Xena. That should be a personality test. If you pick someone besides Xena, you’re just different and there’s nothing anyone can do to save you. You will finish last for the rest of your life and better start lying on your Tinder profile.

SO IT’S EASY?

To lie on Tinder? I have no idea, I’ve never used..

NO. THE GAME. WAS IT EASY?

It is not difficult. I didn’t lose until my fifth bout and I had never even seen the game in action 8 minutes prior to that. The last opponent was tough but I found the general trick to the game was to mash buttons until you finally land a hit - then spam that button until the other fighter is dead. It felt cheap but it got the job done in a pinch.

SO THE GAME ISN’T VERY FUN?

The game is fun for approximately 14 minutes which is just long enough to beat it with one character.

HOW DOES IT LOOK?

Like an N64 game. You’re Xena fighting other characters in a few foggy rooms. Nothing real special or too terrible.

WERE YOU LISTENING TO A PODCAST AGAIN?

Precisely. This time it was about a murder as many podcasts I listen to are. Specifically, this murder revolved around a guy who was accused of murdering his girlfriend after authorities seized his phone and looked through his texts where the two had been arguing. Turns out though, it was not him. An old twist-a-roo!

THANKS FOR THAT. WOULD YOU PLAY IT AGAIN?

The game? Maybe. Just to show it off as a curiosity to some friends or possibly to get hammered and see how far I could get. Not by myself though, what kind of sad life do you think I lead? I’m not gonna lube up and play Xena again while I’m alone.

AGAIN?

Again what?

NEVERMIND. WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE. WHAT IS THIS TALISMAN OF FATE BUSINESS?

No idea. All I did was pick Xena and murder a few people. I don’t recall a Talisman and I don’t recall any mention of fate because, after all, this is a fighting game and it doesn’t really need context.

YOU HAVE A WEIRD THING FOR MURDER.

You ask a lot of questions.

SHOULD I PLAY IT?

No. It’s not even so bad it’s hilarious. It’s painfully mediocre and bland. If you’re curious, you can beat it quickly. If money stands between you and acquiring the game, save the $4 for your holiday fund.

Game Side Chats: Xena Warrior Princess: Talisman of Fate (N64)