Day 3: Martians, Bulls, and Al Roker
Pictured: Pride. Power. Success.
Not pictured: Acceptance in society
Hello from 1996 again. I had a particularly rough day at my 2021 job yesterday and I could not wait to jump into my time capsule again at quitting time. I opened a can of ice cold 2021 beer, played with my 2018 daughter (the year she was born), and ate leftover soup from the day before. Everything around me has been replaced by a date of birth. This laptop? 2019. This wireless mouse? 2020. My cell phone? 2018. My mullet? Timeless.
I had a dream last night that THIS was my job and I published books on time-lock experiments. It was so popular and it made me a star! I had created a trend and people around the world were locking themselves in time to escape the dreaded terrors of the modern day. In this dream I was even interviewed on Today but I was interviewed by Katie Couric and Bryant Gumble, the hosts from 1996. In a weird paradox of time only sensical in the disjointed dreams of a hopeless man, 2021 me was being interviewed by 1996 people, in 1996. In this dream’s logic, somewhere in rural Appalachia, a ten year old version of me was watching TV with his mother as he got ready for school one morning and was surprised to see his successful future-self plug his new book. The interview was aired in that spot between Al Roker hilariously fumbling a cooking segment by doing everything wrong and Willard Scott wishing the last living veteran of the Civil War a happy birthday. Younger me, a pudgy but still cute-to-a-mother boy, watched himself describe his New York Times bestselling book Time Locking and Other Ways to Destroy Your Concept of Reality. A small part of me wishes this dream to become a reality mainly so I can meet Al Roker.
Or at least meet what’s left of him.
If you’re a sports fan you were in for a treat in early 1996. This was Michael Jordan’s comeback year for the Bulls after his brief stint in baseball. If you’re not a sports fan, just imagine you doing anything and then not doing that thing suddenly in order to play baseball for a year instead. How insane is that? Already in late January, with the NBA playoffs still a few weeks from starting, the media is hyping the Bulls’ potential to eclipse the LA Lakers 69 win season in 1971-72. The Bulls have 41 games to go and currently tie those Lakers’ record at 38-3. On the 29th of January, Jordan had 31 points en route to a victory over the Phoenix Suns. Charles Barkley poured in 20 points and grabbed 16 rebounds for Phoenix (not too turrible) in the loss. The Bulls would go on to win 72 games that season and Michael Jordan would one day become the meme of his own documentary.
Let’s not forget Gary Payton. World class peek-a-boo player.
On a more personal sports note, January 1996 is also when my beloved alma mater and current employer, Virginia Tech, landed on the map of college football by defeating then No. 9 Texas 28-10 in the Sugar Bowl. It was the first time I remember watching Virginia Tech play on television and I didn’t know where Virginia Tech even was. My Dad told me they were “just an hour or so up the road from us” and I lost my mind thinking that people from that close to me were on national television. Yes, “that close” to me. I grew up in the boonies. Even now I live where Virginia Tech is and it’s still two hours from everything else except the boonies which are roughly one hour away, as stated.
Last night in 1996 was less exciting than the previous two. I rounded out the evening with a little more Quake, I watched Mars Attacks! for the first time, and ended the night with a few more cartoons and a little more of Michael Crichton’s Airframe.
Onto Quake. The enemies in this freaking game are insane. Giant, fat ogres that spawn lightning at you, leaping werehound fiend devils always trying to maul your face, sword wielding zombies who blindly slash about, and many other hellish creatures you could only try to imagine. Thankfully they abide by the rules of getting pelted by a shotgun over and over, which is to say they’re not usually tough to kill. However, I am at a point in the game where I’m dying and having to repeat five minute sections of the game over and over. Where in 2021, I would be quick to give up in favor of some other activity, in 1996 we don’t have many other options. I could switch over to Diablo, go find a completely different game to play on the N64 or PS1, or I can try that same level of Quake again. I’m more inclined to try that same level again, given fewer options to bounce to if things aren’t going my way. With fewer games to choose from, selection paralysis hardly plays a part and my focus on the one thing I’m doing has increased. It’s like back when we all had cable and just watched what the TV had for us versus Netflix where we spend more time scrolling through the list than actually watching anything.
Not a fan of this gentleman.
“If I ruled the world, imagine that
I’d free all my sons, I love ‘em love ‘em baby
Black diamonds and pearls ”
There is no shortage of strong movie options for 1996 but as someone who watches fewer movies than the average guy, I’m focusing first on watching the several I have not seen. The first 1996 movie this month was Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks!. I could not believe how many well known actors made up the cast. It had Jack Nicholson, Michael J. Fox, Christina Applegate, Jack Black, Jim Brown, Sarah Jessica Parker, Natalie Portman, Pierce Brosnan and plenty of other familiar faces.There was one point during the movie I scrolled through IMDB to see if I was in it. I wasn’t. But Jack Nicholson is even in it twice! There was nothing particular about this movie that spoke to 1996 in a unique way but I was taken by what little regard the film had for letting main characters live. I love a story that will just take away characters I’m attached to because that’s life! I guess technically that’s death. Either way, I don’t think it’s a movie I would watch again even though I pray Martians will attack Earth almost every night.
